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Bob goes into the public restroom and
sees this guy
standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s
standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to
himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to
help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure I’ll
help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper? "
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps,
with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks
something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points
for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with
your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt, and says "I don’t
know, but I ain’t touching it." |
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A young bachelor goes through the
checkout line at the
grocery store with:
A can of corn, an can of green beans, 6 TV dinners, a quart
of milk, and a six pack of beer.
The cashier tells the man, "I’ll bet you are single."
The man replies, "Can you tell that just by the type and
size of the items I have purchased?"
"No", she replies, "It is because you are damned ugly and
your breath smells like shit!" |
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On their way to Vegas to get married, a
wife-to-be
confesses to her guy that the reason they have not been
too intimate is because she is very flat- chested. If the
guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is OK with her.
The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not
mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in
a marriage.
Several miles further down the road, the guy turned to the
girl and said that he also wants to make a confession that
he has a penis just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel
the marriage, it is OK with him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does
not mind, and she also believed there are other things far
more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest with each other.
They went on to Vegas and got married.
On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is
as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his
clothes. After one glance at the guy’s naked body, the girl
fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you
before we got married. Why did you still faint?"
The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby!"
The guy replied, "It is ..... 8 pounds and 21 inches!" |
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Genuine advert in New York times For sale by Owner:
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or the best offer. No longer needed. Got married
last weekend.
Wife knows FUCKING everything. |
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A man and his wife were driving through
country on his way
from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next
gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots
a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for ya’ll?" asks the attendant.
"Fill ‘er up with high test," replies the driver.
While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the
car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it
before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride,
"This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all’s it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It’s loaded with
power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power
mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk
with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and
pinion steering, disk brakes all around,
leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all,
a 8.8 litre V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That’s really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That’ll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and
a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a
handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few
golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That’s what I put my balls on when I drive," says the
driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of
everything!" |
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There were these two drinking buddies
having a beer one
afternoon and one was complaining of his elbow hurting him
and he exclaimed,
"Man my elbow feels like I got tennis elbow!"
His friend spoke up with, "Well hell man, go to a doctor."
He replied, "Who can afford those frills."
So his buddy suggested to go down to the drug store, that
they had a new machine in there that analyses your urine
for 50 cents, so they went down there.
He urinated in a cup and put his 50 cents in, and lo and
behold out came a read-out stating, "You have tennis
elbow.". Well needless to say, he didn’t believe this
machine so he had his wife and his daughter, urinate in a
cup then went to the bathroom and cranked off a batch by
hand, and squirted some in the cup. He went out to his car
and took the dip stick out of his car and gave it a swirl in
the cup and sealed it up real good. He ran down to the
store and put the mixture in the machine, with his 50 cents.
Out come this read out stating:
1) Your wife has herpies
2) Your daughter is pregnant
3) Your car needs a hell of a tune-up
4) And if you don't stop masterbating your tennis elbow will
never clear up ! |
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First grade class comes in from recess.
Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?"
Alice says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says "That’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you
can write ‘sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked
cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write ‘Box’ correctly on
blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Billy does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Mustapha Machmoud what he did at
recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw
rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like
blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard
and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a
cookie." |
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As an elderly lady sat on her front
porch reflecting on her
long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered
to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I’d like to be rich."
POOF! The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into
solid gold.
"And I wouldn’t mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF! The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an
exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.
The elderly woman’s dog raised his head and uttered a
single, weak, hoarse "woof."
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome
prince?"
POOF! There, in front of the old woman, who has now
turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome
young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than
anyone could possibly imagine.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came
toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing
his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I’ll bet you’re sorry
you had me neutered." |
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A couple was planning on getting
married. Seeing how they
didn’t have much money to go on a honeymoon, they
decided to just go back to their new apartment after the
wedding. The groom had three close friends, that were
prone to committing practical jokes. One being a carpenter,
the other a ordinary guy, and the third a dentist.
They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly
married friends.
The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so
that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse.
The ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that
when they got into it their feet wouldn’t reach the bottom.
The dentist chuckled and wouldn’t tell anyone what he
planned to do. A week later the 3 friends all received letters
in the mail. "Dear friends, we didn’t mind the fact that when
we got into bed, it collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted
it, but I’m gonna kill the bastard that put the novacaine in
the vaseline!" |
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Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon
and were getting
undressed together for the first time.
He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all
twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio."
"Don’t you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking
pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don’t you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said,
"Don’t tell me, you also had smallcox!" |
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A man entered a restaurant and sat at
the only open table.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with
his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket,
pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table.
The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in
their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency
expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock
the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us,
we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he
commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that
you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same
efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time
washing our hands after using the men’s room. So, the other
end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I
simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to
work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to
wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis
back in your pants?"
"Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the
spoon." |
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A travelling salesman checked into a
futuristic motel.
Realising he needed a haircut before his next day’s meeting,
he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a
barber on the premises. "I’m afraid not, sir," the clerk told
him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine
that should serve your purposes."
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the
appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his
head in the opening, at which time the machine started to
buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled
out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which
reflected the best haircut he had ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read:
‘Manicures - 25 cents.’
"Why not!" the salesman said to himself. He paid the money,
inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out
perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read: ‘This Machine
Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives
- 50 cents.’
The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways.
Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped
his pants and stuck his penis into the opening with great
anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two
weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out
a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands,
the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had
a button sewed on the tip. |
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"Hello, and welcome to the mental
health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice
will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which
number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder; please fidget with the hash
key until a representative comes on line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
phone number, date of birth, social security number and
your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and
carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after
the beep or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait
for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, Please hang up. All our
operators are too busy to talk to you.
This has been a recording. Press any number to repeat. |
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If you thought YOU were
having a bad day... Surprised while burgling a
house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief
fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall,
dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan,was
crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck
by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and,
as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into
him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot
of gawkers gathered to examine tha magnetic Irishman, a
delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake
three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob
Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd
wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan.
In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured
skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries.
Hospital officials said he would recover.
While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside,
Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing
gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined
by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the
crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew
up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a
sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the
horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be
trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the
head. In consequence the horse’s owner jumped down from
his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The
horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed
away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports- car. At
this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined
the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the
three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose
and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance
companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on
collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh.
Each was guiding his car at a snail’s pace near the center
of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were
both out of the windows when they smacked together.
Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their
cars weren’t scratched.
In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven
men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail
sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames,
England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of
the men threw a french fry at another while they stood
waiting for a train.
Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his
wife’s
incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian
Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he
had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw
him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came
over and, finding what she thought were two corpses,
seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was
leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and
suspended Mr Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside.
This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a
heart attack. Happily, Mr Fen was acquitted of
manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
An unidentified English woman, according to the London
Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one
afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins
in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was
removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door.
Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would
come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she
didn’t answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom
cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door
open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of
footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man
from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh,"
stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker."
The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed. |
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